The short answer
Use the real names for body parts, draw a hard line between surprises and secrets, and let your child's no be honored at home, including by you. The goal is a child who has the words to describe what happened and believes they will be heard.
Correct words are a protective measure
Teaching anatomically correct names, including for private parts, is one of the simplest protective steps available, and it works for three reasons. A child with accurate words can describe what happened clearly enough for an adult to act on, where nicknames produce reports that get misread or dismissed. The words remove shame, and shame is what keeps a child silent. And an adult testing boundaries reads a child who names body parts plainly as a child whose parents talk about this.
Say them the way you say elbow: in the bath, at the doctor, no lowered voice. The flatness is the lesson.
Surprises end. Secrets do not
Nearly every disclosure of harm involves an adult who first asked the child to keep a secret. So make the family rule absolute, and say it often: we do not keep secrets in this family, and no grown-up is allowed to ask you to keep one from me. Not an uncle, not a coach, not a teacher, not someone I like.
Give them a contrast they can actually use. A surprise is fun and it ends, like a birthday present on Tuesday. A secret is meant to stay hidden forever, and body secrets do not exist. Then add the part that does the real work: you can tell me anything about a grown-up and you will never, ever be in trouble for telling. Say it long before you need it, and keep saying it.
Their no has to mean something at home first
A child who learns that no is negotiable at home has learned that no is negotiable. That makes the ordinary moments the curriculum. Tickling stops the first time they say stop, even if they are laughing. Hugs and kisses for relatives are offered, never required, with a wave or a high five as a complete alternative, and if a grandparent is disappointed, that is an adult's feeling for an adult to manage. Ask before you touch where you reasonably can.
Teach the body's signals as real information, the tummy flip and the racing heart, and teach that "my body says no" is a complete sentence that needs no reason. Then name the thing most likely to be used on them: nobody can trade your no. Not for ice cream, not for a toy, not for being the good kid.
Three sentences, repeated for years
- "Your body belongs to you. You are the boss of it."
- "We don't keep secrets. Surprises are fine, secrets aren't."
- "You can tell me anything, and you will never be in trouble for telling."
The advice to drop
"Go on, give Grandma a hug."
Overriding a child's no for the sake of politeness teaches that the right adult's wishes outrank their own signals. Offer a choice instead, hug or high five or wave, and let the adult adjust.
Where this guidance comes from
- Darkness to Light — Body safety and Stewards of Children
- Children's Advocacy Centers of Pennsylvania — Teaching Kids Accurate Names for Their Body Parts Can Help Keep Them Safe
- Minnesota Children's Alliance — Child Abuse Awareness: Body Safety Rules
- Bravehearts — Identifying Body Parts and Personal Safety Education, briefing paper
Last reviewed October 2026 by the Enchantably team against the sources above. This is general guidance for parents, not medical, legal, or emergency advice. In an emergency, call your local emergency number.
