The short answer
Give your child one clear line to say, a direction to walk, and a named adult to tell. And teach the bystander move too: when a peer steps in, the behavior stops within about ten seconds more than half the time, which beats any adult response in the research.
Name it accurately before you act
Bullying has three features: it is deliberate, it repeats, and there is a power imbalance. One bad afternoon between evenly matched friends is conflict, and conflict is normal and teachable. Sorting the two matters because the responses differ. Conflict wants negotiation skills. Bullying wants adult intervention and a changed environment.
Ask open questions and resist solving it fast. Who was there, what happened just before, has it happened before, who saw it. And listen for the thing children hide hardest, which is that they are ashamed. Most kids do not tell an adult at all, usually because they expect it to be dismissed or made worse, so the first conversation's real job is proving that neither will happen.
Bystanders are the lever, so raise an upstander
Peers are present for roughly 80% of bullying and intervene in only a fraction of it. But when they do step in, the behavior stops within about ten seconds in 57% of cases, a naturalistic-observation finding from Hawkins, Pepler and Craig that remains one of the strongest results in the field. No adult response comes close to that number.
Which means the highest-value thing you can teach your child is what to do when it is happening to someone else, and none of it requires confrontation: stand next to the kid, say "come with me," invite them into your game, or go and get an adult. Give the role a name, upstander, and rehearse the sentences, because knowing and doing are very different under social pressure.
Telling is not tattling, and the script matters
Children are taught not to tattle, and then correctly apply that rule at the worst possible moment. Draw the line explicitly: tattling is reporting to get someone into trouble, telling is getting help when someone is being hurt.
Then rehearse what they will actually say, because it needs to be available without thinking. The line is short and said once, not argued: "Stop. I don't like that." Then walk, toward their own people, which is strength rather than retreat. Name a specific adult at school rather than "a teacher," and agree on the words they will use. Two more things worth saying aloud at home: mean names are information about the person saying them, and if the first adult does not help, tell another one, and keep telling until someone does.
Rehearse it like lines in a play
- "Say it once, strong: Stop. I don't like that."
- "Now walk. Toward who? Name them."
- "Who do you tell at school? What exactly do you say?"
- "If it's happening to someone else, what's your upstander move?"
The advice to drop
"Just ignore them." Or: "Hit back."
Ignoring leaves a repeated power imbalance unaddressed, and hitting back raises both the risk and the consequences for your child. A line said once, a walk toward their people, and a named adult is the combination with evidence behind it.
Where this guidance comes from
- StopBullying.gov — Bystanders are Essential to Bullying Prevention and Intervention
- Hawkins, Pepler & Craig (2001) — Naturalistic Observations of Peer Interventions in Bullying, Social Development
- PACER's National Bullying Prevention Center — Speaking Up About Being Bullied Isn't Tattling
- Cyberbullying Research Center — Tattling vs Telling
Last reviewed October 2026 by the Enchantably team against the sources above. This is general guidance for parents, not medical, legal, or emergency advice. In an emergency, call your local emergency number.
